The Melancholia of Transition

 

img_1179Jomson, Mustang, Nepal 2014

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.” ~ Pema Chodron

The hardest thing in having the habit of living like a nomad is that you are constantly feeling in transition. Often feeling not exactly there.

2015 feels transitory for me, it is a year where it takes me to go beyond my comfort zone and trying new things. Completely new things. Testing my own limit. Going through the different sense of things beyond my reach. It has been giving me all the biggest lessons. It has shown me my capability and also my weakness. My constant travel also teach me something that we all should be careful not to burn out along our journey. That stopping is necessary. That a rest is always good. Even crying your eyes out sometimes. Asking for help. All is necessary.

I wish I could start to write something more uplifting in this beginning of the year, but this writing become more like a reflection.

It become something that I ask myself the fundamental questions about home, when you are constantly moving around. When your comfort feeling often when you just see yourself carrying only one bag in a journey. Then you suddenly feel home. Alone with just one bag. Walking to some unknown destination.

***

Death has been a constant blow in my life. Death, I realised can come in many forms. Death has often mark of a cycle for me in life. Last month, my most respected teacher, Benedict Anderson passed away in Batu Malang. I am supposed to submit an obituary writing for him and I haven’t started yet. The thing is, Ben teach me how to live.

My last email correspondence with Ben was about going to India. And I managed to be back in India again last year.

Pause.

The draft of this piece was done in January 2016. Fast forward, I’m continuing this writing in November 2016.

And its start to turn out what November feels. What 2016 for me feels.

I was back to Northern India again in March 2016, to pause a bit, to breath a little bit to things that brought back my sanity. I couldn’t continue my writing before hand. Now, I am on my last night in Saigon and found myself back to this blog.

This year, I ended back in Jogjakarta. I realised after trying to figure out what is the relationship I have with this ancient spot for the last fourteen years, is to also realised its old adapted name, Ayodhya. I missed this fact somehow along this journey to understand better the meaning of having home. To grow rooted.

While 2015 feel transitory, it is exactly in these melancholia that I felt in the shift within myself. The soft breaking of my own walls while staying in India. To stake my own heart once again. To go deeper again than ever before.

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Dharamsala Tibetan Archive, Dharamsala, North India, 2015

I had to go back to Dharamsala in October 2015, to be reminded again where all these journey of the open heart started four years ago. I openly grief and let go of the loss of my parents, letting things go for new spaces to come. I ended up feeling disoriented for a while. And the tinge of melancholia hanging in the air. But I manage not to get overwhelmed by it, since I know already all the things that I need to do to handle it.

I did not plan to take more journey this year. But seems the fact of always having a nomadic streak is just something I need to accept in my life. I end up in different places: Lombok. Gili. North India. Singapore. Toraja. Cambodia. Vietnam. Though seriously you would find me most at home nowadays, even revamping the space after going through so many years of trying to organised a proper home. I end up chucking 70 percent of my things, start a new restaurant venture with my best friend, organised a bi-weekly secondhand market which ended up being a community hang out. While our restaurant, at its best, starting become one of Jogjakarta communal living room. I am finding myself more in the kitchen, from cooking, managing and hosting things. I notice I wrote more while I am travelling solo. And I do these in and out nowadays. Seeing the fluctuation of my energies, those moments when I need to recharge myself and moments when I need to show up for others.

I lost two important person this year too. One is our first restaurant customer, Budi, he was only 28. Another one is one of my really good friend, Chindy Tanjung, she died before turning 40. If Ben Anderson teach me to live, Chindy teach me how to hope. Her best reminder is left at my son’s name, Asabhumy. She add Asa years back when I was still pregnant with Bhumy. Asa literally means hope.

I learn to go through my grief. Keep opening my heart to also celebrate death and all the values behind it. And I see death has the ability to transform so many things. I change my relations with death. It has been a decade since my mother passed away. In all my transitory state, I accept that giving time and space heals everything.

I took the heart to face and not turn away my face in seeing the darkness anymore. Lessons while travelling in Cambodia and Vietnam, flow like water. Being in Vietnam the last few days, the attack of nostalgia is strong. As strong as remembering all my love ones in a bite of food.

In the cold air of the mountain.

And in every breath I take in feeling alive. Here and now.

Quote

QUOTE #2

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“You are the sky. Everything else – it’s just the weather.”
― Pema Chödrön

***

My favourite Pema Chödrön quote with the photo I took last month in Upper Pisang, while doing the Annapurna Circuit. It was my first clear glimpse of Annapurna Mountain Range. I realised to take a mountain photo you need all the luck and friendship with the weather. Things can change so very quickly, sometimes in second. May all the lives who are lost in this region last week find their peace.

Nepal: Early Note of Going Into the Wild

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Thorong La Pass, Annapurna Circuit, Nepal

You found yourself walking briskly, back on your steps with your thinning rubber sandals, that you start to realized being slightly too thin in the growing cold of Kathmandu weather. You know: winter is coming and you get to used seeing snow peaks lately. You know that you need to buy yourself a pair of a walking boots in this city, the weather can turn to be very unpredictable, the pavement either splotchy or dusty.

You know how it feels to walk under the raining snow or even small ice balls attacks from above the Himalayan sky. Those different types of rain. You past the Tibetan quarter market to find yourself writing in a corner of the city. Back in putting your thoughts down. And all those self talk along the way, the hours, the days, the whole one month out of touch. Finding their words slowly. Very slowly.

But today you feel completely human. Completely alive. Parts of nature you know had somehow left you with that knowledge. On appreciating every single thing. In being grateful to even breathing. On the shortness of life and how beauty can turn to be dangerous in a single moment. In being aware, that a misstep of a foot can led to a fatal slide. On facing that border of life and death. How the news bring things to you today and how you react. How it makes you pray and let things go. And thankful, with those strange powers that life brings you.

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Magar Women singers in Maikot

You remembered the nights under the moon in top of an ancient fort of Maikot. Where old women shaman sang their songs about the past glory and the stories of their ancestor in a completely different tongue of the Magar clan, while they drink their nth cup of raksi. How they put flowers in your hair while they sang and dance. How some nights there is nothing but stars along the way and the ice white peaks glistening by the distance. The moon was the only light in your beaten path. And sometimes barbecued potatoes were the only thing you ate that night. But you walk all the same. The hills you cannot imagine before, since these hills were in the size of your mountains in your home country.

You amazed yourself by passing three mountain passes. Although you know you nearly died catching your breath going up, or your feet hurt so bad you can’t even feel them. But you learn how to know your strength and also your weakness. You learn how to train your leg by walking properly (most of us don’t). And in the end how to step on your ground properly, then understand the basic principle of really being grounded.

Nature teach you to face yourself, all the time. It shows every side of you. The beautiful and the ugly. The between. And in total silence when you find your connection with nature, you found yourself in that point of tranquility where you don’t need anything else. That moment which effortlessly leave marks in your life. IMG_2416 Om Mane Padme Hum.

May all beings found their happiness and peace. May all be remove from sufferings.

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Quote #1

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In my grief I saw myself being held,

us  all holding one another in this

incredible web of loving kindness.

Grief and love in the same place.

I felt as if my heart would burst with holding it all.

~ A Zimbabwean woman

***

I decided to post an inspiring quote  beginning today and also my favorite photo. The above picture was taken on Teej Festival at Pashupatinath Temple on 28th August 2014. It is the Bhagmati River of the Kathmandu Valley, which runs through the Gangga River and at the end would reach the Indian Ocean. It is also on this side of river that they cremated the death and pour their ashes to the river.

The Himalayan Effect

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The sunshine above prayers flags – Jergu, Tibet, 2013

It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves ~ Sir Edmund Hillary

Everybody who goes climbing the Everest or read about going to Everest would always have the above quote ringing through their lives. For me the Himalayan regions experience offers you just that. The mountain view outside, our own ego in the inside. It is a personal journey, indeed it is the journey of the heart. It is a journey to find ourselves, especially within.

My second trip to Nepal become a beginning to start answering everything myself. Where somehow my life  start synchronising and that the random things that I’ve been doing the last 16 bloody years has finally make sense. I saw that I was not actually randomly doing things, I actually gain knowledge and skills for other greater purpose. One of them is to know my own self. My love of travelling has brought me to completely accept my nomadic nature. I decided to completely embracing it and not making excuse when I know it is the time for me to go somewhere and answer that deep calling from within. And yes, I love travelling solo. I feel naturally being myself when I travel alone.

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The journey to the unknown – Jergu, Tibet 2013

Last year journey to the regions of my dream was one of the heaviest point in my life where I completely went to a blank state for the 3 – 4 months post journey. I need major space in my life to just literally space out. To really understand what I really looking for in my life and keep on doing things that I’m good at. I am now literally all over the place, finding myself all around the major cities in Java and going back and forward back to Bali. And soon come, going back to Kathmandu. I found myself getting lost and not getting so lost in Tibetan monastery, the guerrilla track of West Nepal regions and the dusty alleys of Kathmandu. A city I began to called as another home in my heart. IMG_0595

Kopan Monastery initiation – Kathmandu 2014

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The first view of Rukum landscape – Rukum, West Nepal

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Getting lost in the Rukum forest – Rukum, West Nepal

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A Nepali lady on the side of Sanamberi River (aka Uttar Gangges) – Rukum, West Nepal

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The always all seeing Buddha eyes of Boudanath – Kathmandu 2014

If this is another start, it is a blessed one. With the many gratitudes on this journey and my life until today. This journey of wisdom and compassion has just open a new chapter. Om Ah Hum.

May all beings be happy. May all beings be free from all sufferings.

Om Mane Padme Hum 

Back to Kathmandu

I know, I know. I owe a lot of stories last year but after 9 months I decided to go back. It is a bit unplanned, but I’m here again :)

We often go back to some places to answer the most unexpected things in life.

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 Swayambunath Temple aka The Monkey Temple at sunset, Kathmandu – Nepal

20140522-031059.jpgA greetings from Kopan Monastery, photo credit by Anggi Frisca

Indeed I am home. Namaste _/\_

A Personal Journey to the Edge

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Tibetan summer, Jergu – Tibet

Imagine yourself suddenly moving out from your comfort zone. Your house, the life you have been the last 4 years, your very dear friends, your yoga classes, your students, your work, even your blog and everything you think before was important. Imagine yourself suddenly moving to the place you thought you are scared off after your marriage failed, thought people say it is the island of the gods where magic still happens. Gods forgive your grudges after all. Things work out not the way you want, but in some ways the way you needed. And trust me it’s not all magical.

You finally let your only son to see his father after four years, because he ask you too. You believe in choices and chances. So you giving them a chance. You took that break, even you know you would not like it. It is part of your biggest fear. You give yourself some time alone. Maybe not perfectly alone because you met someone along the way. You decided to have it a go.

Then you decided to realise one dream. Going to one edge of the world. Places you only see in dreams and magazines, in pictures and films. One things lead to the other. You’re finally there. Like just being there.

***

A Nepali guy said this to me, “After you climb the tallest mountain in the world, what do you want to do next? What’s obvious is that you have to go down in the end. I don’t get it why we as human do it like that,” while we are looking at the snowy mountain capes from afar.

I didn’t climb any mountain yet in this journey, but I was up in the Himalayas. A Nepali shaman, Mina, even decided to give me a new name, Himali, as her god-daughter. It means the range of mountain.

I didn’t feel to do some climbing or hiking in this trip, but I feel I’m climbing my own personal mountain along the journey. But it is back to the Nepali guy questions, what do you want to do next? We are all back in this realities. We are back home now. Did something change then? Did ourselves change along the way?

I just realised it took me nearly a month to even continue a paragraph of this post. It took me to take some distance with myself to digest everything after this journey. It is one of those kind of moments. It  does took me time to write it all and I could say most of it is still in digestion.

I feel I’ve been through my own darkness along the way, seeing the glimpse of myself here and there. It’s funny how travelling with someone could make you reflect every single thing about yourself and your life. And in the end still being thankful of the intense journey that both of you go through.

It is hard to write about the places I’ve been through the last intense two months. It is hard for anybody I guess. It is hard to write it wisely somehow. I’m on my way of finding my own wisdom in writing it. Although I found the whole experience had a very personal impact on me. You could called it  spiritual, you could also call it the way to get deeper into yourself. I think it’s what this journey all about. At the end of this day, I think I’m so grateful for making it, for passing it through this regions and also my own regional hearts. It was vast and simple at the same time.

Om Mane Padme Hum

IMG_6902In the middle of Lhasa, Tibet

P1020883The misty mountain view from the cosiest place in Bandipur, Nepal